Sunday, December 4, 2016


In Kansas City, I saw a Caravaggio. It caught my eye when I was still a room away. I approached quickly. The red was deep, and the skin gleamed with that luster, brought to life in front of me from out of the pages of my art history books. I stood inches from this canvas that had tirelessly emitted its own glow for over 400 years. How did he do it?

My time with it was incredibly brief for a reason I can't now remember--I think the museum was closing. But it is still the best experience I've ever had with art.

Saint John the Baptist in the Wilderness

Sunday, November 20, 2016


The Gilmore Girls Revival comes out in only 5 days, but I'm sure I didn't need to tell you that. Jimmy Fallon invited us to tweet our #GilmoreGirlsTop4, so, in the spirit of #sharegoodness, I thought I would.

Because I've seen a lot of people choose the characters I was going to choose (e.g. Emily, Paris, Mrs. Kim), I decided to go with minor characters only.

1. Dave Rygalski

Forget Dean, Logan, and Jess--Dave Rygalski is the true love interest of this show. Handsome, into all the same things you are, willing to jump through your mother's ridiculous hoops to show his love?! Lane's eventual marriage to Zach is a disgusting slap in the face of Dave Rygalski. She should have stayed faithful to him and become a Korean nun if need be. Curse The O.C.

2. Babette & Morey

Two-for-one here, I know, but they're a package deal. They're a beautiful example of a life-long, committed relationship where two imperfect people accept each other for who they are. And, if you'll notice, everyone in Stars Hollow is single, so that town needs these two as their role models.

3. Gil

Apparently I'm getting moralistic here, but I also love how much Gil loves his wife and kids. He is so irresistibly good and positive and self-assured, never made to feel less by his age or his place in life. I also love how his hair is always slightly frizzy and he doesn't even care. He's a role model for me.

4. Liz Danes

I love Liz for being crazy, but for being the kind of crazy that finds her wings in a life with T.J. to live on the road with a Renaissance Fair and sell jewelry and have a baby named Doula. I love her for being Jess' mom and for embodying all of her own emotion and all of Luke's as well.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Perfect Nights.

Recently, I went somewhere that I'd gone to with a boy I liked. It hasn't been on my mind, so I didn't remember until I got there. And then I remembered so suddenly that it was like I crashed my car into an invisible wall. Like I was going to have to let go of the steering wheel and melt into a pool of nostalgia.

We went there one night and just talked and talked. That night, I felt like I was seeing more of him than I ever had. I asked him questions about himself and he answered, while I looked at him in the darkness. It felt so natural. 

For a while now we had been drawn to each other, but it seemed like something that didn't quite make sense to either one of us--until this night, when it became evident that there was a part of him and a part of me that fit into the same cozy spot in the universe. I felt like he was letting me have this little part of him, and I was ready to take it and tuck it into my heart and take care of it. I remember thinking, "I just want him to be here next to me all the time." It was clear that that would be a happy way to live.

It was a perfect night. 

And that, maybe, is what is so painful--why nostalgia melts you into a puddle of heartache. Because we had a perfect night. When I look into my past, it is punctuated with perfect nights. There are benches and stoops and balconies and couches and cars and front lawns that I will always remember. Because I sat there with another human being for a few hours on a perfect night and talked and listened and laughed and felt so connected.

But. Not a single one of those boys is here next to me now. A perfect night is a punctuation, not necessarily a pattern. It doesn't mean you're fated to be together. It just means that, for a little while, when you think of him, you'll drive into this invisible wall thinking, "I felt so close to him. Why can't I feel that way now?"

It just means that, when I look back on my string of strained and expired relationships, there above the rubble hover a few little bright stars--the memories of perfect nights.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Some of the Best Things I Have Read on Tinder Profiles.

Here is a list of some of the best things I have read on Tinder profiles:

"I am a human male."

"Gods child"

"My dog will come first (let me explain) she's my best friend and she won't live another 50 years like we might so while she's with me she'll be number # 1."

"I know the answer to life, the universe, everything."

"I honestly hate saying that I own a business because it sounds so pretentious."

"I miss my old friends that I have not seen for years, you know who you are..."

"The only thing that surpasses my respect for America... Is my respect for women."

"I believe that logic and rhetoric are not interchangeable"

"I eat muffins and ponder about the paradoxical conflicts in nature."

"I'm into horses. And rivers. I listen to music all the time, unless I'm on a river or a horse."

"If you hate cops and guns, swipe left."

"I'm basically the combination of James Dean and Steve Jobs."

"I am enigmatically ineffable...."

"Get to know me. You'll like me.... maybe... I don't know."

"I am a humanist hell bent on creating heaven on earth."

"Thriving in the present tense."

"I can't trust anyone who doesn't love pie."

"I am a hiker, a singer, a unique individual."

"I am the uncle that I always want to have!!!"

"Self expression is beautiful. The sense of flow is what I pursue."

"I'm not in any way normal."

"I can't get enough of penguins and dinosaurs."

"I'm actually pretty famous but not that many people know about it."

"Mostly looking for someone to enable my dream of Corgi ownership."

"I'm very dyslexic!"

"I like to pick things up and put them down again."

"Wherever I go, there I am."

"Age isn't accurate, nor is work hist."

"A dollar bill isn't worth that much in England, but it's worth a lot in Mexico. We all mean different things to different people. Finding true love is about finding your Mexico, where you go somewhere and you say, 'I get how many tacos for $3? Holy ****! I wanna stay here forever!' And you just hope that that feeling is mutual, and that's love."

Monday, August 1, 2016

A Kernel of Meaningfulness.

I'm always thinking existentially--where does meaning come from in this absurd world? Does life have meaning by itself? Do we create our own meaning?

I think it's probably some of both, but what I've been thinking lately is that life is inherently worthwhile.

It must be. Because being outside and looking up through the trees feels meaningful. And listening to music while you drive around angry and eat an ice cream cone feels meaningful. Feeling the hot sun on your skin feels meaningful.

Like, if you peeled back the physics and psychology and physiology of eating an ice cream cone, inside, left there, would be a kernel of meaningfulness.

In the moments of quiet when you peel back the layers, there is something comforting about knowing that life need not be happy because it is already meaningful.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

My Presidential Pals.

I didn't realize how good I had it when there were like 15 people running for president. It was like having 15 best friends. Here's what we would do together if we really were best friends:

Jeb Bush:
We'd watercolor paint together at his kitchen table with Columba while he told me in detail about the novel he was planning to write if he didn't become president. Columba and I would roll our eyes at each other good naturedly over his head.

Ben Carson:
We'd watch "Gifted Hands" together, the made-for-tv movie about his life, with Candy. He'd narrate over the whole thing until he fell asleep about two-thirds of the way through.

Chris Christie:
We'd eat meatball hoagies together on the Jersey shore while he told me about the time he met Snooki.

Hillary Clinton:
We'd get pedicures. While she pulled up pictures of her grandchildren on her phone to show me, I'd pull up clips of "Pinky & the Brain" cartoons from the 90s that made jokes about Bill. And we'd laugh and laugh.

Ted Cruz:
We'd watch "The Princess Bride" together, and Ted would convince me to play a drinking game where we'd have to take shots every time someone said "Inconceivable," or "As you wish," or "You killed my father; Prepare to die." I don't drink, though, so I'd take shots of Sprite and be totally sober at the end of the movie when a drunk Ted would burst into tears about how the world lost a great man when Andre the Giant died.

Carly Fiorina:
We'd go power walking together, and I'd feel dumb in my t-shirt and shorts, having to be seen with her in her hot pink track suit and bright white Reeboks. She'd give me a lot of advice about how to succeed as a woman in a man's world, which I'd probably never take.

John Kasich:
He'd take me to the local Elks Lodge for poker night, where all the guys would tell me unbelievable stories about John holding his liquor. Every time I'd look at him in disbelief, he'd just sit there munching peanuts with a twinkle in his eye.

Rand Paul:
We'd play tennis, and Rand would look surprisingly like a young John McEnroe. He'd talk about Edward Snowden the whole time.

Marco Rubio:
We'd have a pool party at his house with his family. Obviously, we'd play Marco Polo, and he'd make a lot of dad jokes about why his kids were calling him by his first name and whether they were asking him to put a shirt back on. I'd be intimidated by his hot wife.

Bernie Sanders:
We'd walk down to the local Ben & Jerry's with Jane to get ice cream cones. On the way home, his ice cream would fall right off the cone, and he'd do an impression of Larry David doing an impression of him being mad about it. We'd all try to see how many times we could work the phrase "millionaires and billionaires" into the conversation naturally, and I would win.

Donald Trump:
He'd take me under his wing in a Jack Donaghy-Liz Lemon style mentoring relationship. He'd drive me around a private green on a golf cart, gesturing to the 'uge expanse, telling me everything the light touched was our kingdom. We'd eat popsicles later and make fun of people's haircuts. 

Saturday, July 9, 2016


Recently, I was driving to Target and I saw some kids jumping on a trampoline while an adult sat in a chair and watched them.

And I realized that my time for trampolines had passed.

Trampolines are for children. You never see adults on a trampoline. Trampolines just exist to give adults nightmares about their children flying off and breaking their heads.

I even had a trampoline growing up. And I never once appreciated it the way it deserved. Sometimes I lay under it in the shade-covered grass. Sometimes I took my soccer ball on it with me and pretended I was an elite athlete who used this unconventional form of training to gain control over unpredictable bounces and jumps.

I never once truly let my little body fly and flip. And now my time for trampolines is over.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Things I've Been into Lately

1. Audiobooks. It's like reading, but someone reads to you so you don't have to.

2. 1010! A type of tetris game without the time pressure. What I do while I'm listening to audiobooks... and sometimes walking across campus. Also, all the time.

3. Saltwater sandals. I want them in every color and I never want to wear anything else.

4. Beach hair. Going to the beach is a chance for my hair to step out of its shell and be who it wants to be. Like when Gabriella sings with Troy on New Year's Eve. I've been trying to recreate it by sleeping on my hair wet, but it's not really the same.

5. Listening to the same three songs on the way to work every morning: No One Is to Blame by Howard Jones; You're the Inspiration by Chicago; and Video Killed the Radio Star by The Buggles. Also, singing into my phone like it's a microphone while I do this.

6. Rock music from approximately 1967-1970. I'm surprised they let music continue to be made after that.

7. The Whole30. Yes, I feel like I'm cooking all the time, but did you know that if you use protein as your energy source, you don't get hungry between meals? It's amazing.

8. The Office, Season 9. I know it went crazy there at the end, but I love when comedies get all sentimental in the last season to tie everything up. I love Pete and Erin and I love Oscar and Philip and I love Jim and Dwight.

9. Driving through the business parks and industrial areas of Provo. Some of the roads I normally take to get to my house are being worked on, so I've been taking scenic routes past rusty old trains and auto body shops, which I love.

Sunday, April 24, 2016


In the Book of Mormon, a companion text to the Bible of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the prophet Lehi teaches his son,

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things."

The concept of opposition in all things informs LDS doctrine and the LDS worldview. The typical reading of this phrase, as I have heard it used, is that we will be opposed in all we do, particularly the good things we try to accomplish. Life won't be easy. Things won't go your way. Opposition seems to mean dissent, resistance, adversity. Trials--another favorite word of Mormons.

I think this is a correct reading, to an extent. The first definition of opposition is "resistance or dissent, expressed in action or argument." We are taught and many, myself included, have experienced that the most difficult things happen to us when we are about to do things that will be for our greatest good. 

However, we seem to paint a one-sided picture of opposition. If there were this type of opposition in all things, it would sometimes thwart us in our bad choices as well as our good choices. Every time you were going to watch Netflix instead of doing your homework, for instance, the internet mysteriously stops working. If this does happen, as I'm sure it also does, we don't use the phrase opposition in all things to explain those situations. Situations that turn out "right" don't need to be explained.

Opposition in all things is what we say when things don't turn out. We all experience things we want not happening, at least some of the time. I submit that our cultural use of the doctrine of opposition in all things allows us to make sense of the unexpected and discouraging things that happen to us by assigning the "blame" for these events to opposition

But there is another definition of opposition: "a contrast or antithesis."

For there must needs be, that there is an opposite to all things.

Opposites aren't inherently negative, as our reading of the word opposition is. An opposite of a purely virtuous principle or thing is evil, but regular opposites aren't. Like hot and cold or even and odd.

For everything, good or bad or in between, there is an opposite. Every thesis has an antithesis. For every reaction there is an equal and opposite reaction. This seems to be a law of the universe.

So what does opposite really mean? "Having a position on the other or further side of something." Also, "diametrically different."

Diametrically is the adjectival form of the word diametric, which means "of, relating, or constituting a diameter."

A diameter is a line that connects any two points of a circle and also runs through the center point of the circle.

Let's put those pieces together. Across cultures, the circle is a symbol for totality, wholeness, perfection, and eternity. In line with this, let's let a circle represent Truth. That's capital-t Truth, the kind that in true throughout the known universe.

For any point on the Truth circle, there is a point directly opposite it that can be connected with a diameter that runs through the center. It runs through the center, or heart, of the Truth, linking the opposites, and making them opposites, instead of any two unrelated points on the circle.

So there is an opposition in all things. Literally. Because that's how circles work. You can't have a circle that doesn't have a diameter. That's also how Truth works. You can't discover Truth without considering and integrating opposites. The existence of the opposite does not break down the truth; rather that is what makes it Truth.

If this reading of opposition in all things is workable, then it could have major effects on how we view God, political parties, ethical frameworks, and any scale or continuum which is considered to have two poles.

One example: in America, we are more polarized in our politics than previous generations were. Let's take helping the poor as an example. Liberals would generally like to help the poor at all costs, and advocate doing so by raising taxes and building large government programs. Conservatives would like the poor to be helped, but think that can occur best at the local level. Ideally, these people would learn to help themselves.

From a Christian perspective, both viewpoints can be supported. Jesus fed the 5000, but Paul later taught, "if any would not work, neither should he eat" (2 Thessalonians 3:10). Both points exist on the Truth circle; in fact, they are opposite each other.

How do we find the truth in any situation? Consider the opposites. Begin on one end and move across the diameter, through the center of Truth, to the other side. Once you have considered, integrated, and mastered the opposites, you have to power to implement the principle  of helping the poor in a way that is right for each individual situation. 

For more information on this topic, see "Opposition in All Things," Dallin H. Oaks, April 2016

Monday, April 18, 2016


One day in second grade, we were all sitting cross-legged on the carpet to review what we had been learning about fiction and nonfiction.

"Who thinks fiction is things that are true?" asked Miss Doughton.

I raised my hand confidently. I was the only one. Suckers, I thought.

"Who thinks fiction is things that aren't true?" asked Miss Doughton. 

Every other child raised their hand. I remember, in that moment, thinking about my poor peers' herd mentality. Lemmings, I thought.

"You're right, fiction is things that aren't true. Nonfiction is things that are true," Miss Doughton explained.

What? Not only was conscientious little me not used to being the only kid in second grade who was wrong, but also I had felt so confident!

See, my answer was the more logical. True things come first; made up things come second. Fiction is the basic term; nonfiction is defined in relation to it. True things should be called fiction, since they are the more basic. The fact that true things are characterized as not made up is absurd. Anyone without knowledge of the etymology of fiction would have come up with the same answer as me.

And you know what? I still stand by this. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

My Favorite Movie for Every Year I've Been Alive.

1991: Beauty & the Beast

Type of Favorite: My Favorite Disney
My birth year really gave me nothing to work with. But this always was one of my favorites Disneys growing up. You can still find me saying, "Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep!" in a Cogsworth voice.
Runner Up: The Addams Family

1992: A River Runs through It

Type of Favorite: Former Obsession
Truth be told, I've never seen this movie all the way through, but I did have a temporary obsession with it sometime during my teen years  after it was on TV once. My romanticization of fly fishing still remains, probably.
Runner Up: Aladdin

1993: The Secret Garden

I for sure had a thing for Dickon as a child.

Type of Favorite: Lifetime Favorite
I've always loved this movie, from the opening scenes of exotic India to the shot of Dickon riding over the moor while the credits roll. Probably because the idea of building your own secret garden is right up my alley. Every time I hear the word black, I say, "Are you blind? They're all black!"
Runner Up: The Sandlot (A hard decision, for sure. The Sandlot has more cultural capital, but The Secret Garden means more to me.)

1994: Corrina, Corrina

Type of Favorite: Timeless
This movie is full of hilarious and touching details. And anything about midcentury America gives me heart eyes. I quote this nonstop, usually just to myself. "Please don't make me go to school, Corrina!"
Runner Up: Little Women

1995: Clueless

Type of Favorite: My Third Favorite Movie
This movie seems fluffy, but is actually genius. Just like Cher. I don't know how to put my love for Clueless into words, but I think I would watch it any time of the day or night. 
Runner Up: While You Were Sleeping

1996: The Crucible

Type of Favorite: My Favorite Favorite Movie
Betrayal, sin, honor, community, love, redemption. All with those grimy Puritan faces and those weird Puritan accents. If you had to read this in high school and hated it, give this movie another try. It's thrilling and moving.
Runner Up: Emma (Emma would have won, hands down, in almost any other year.)

1997: Seven Years in Tibet

Type of Favorite: If Me & My Sister Had a Movie, This Would Be It
I feel like I was always a little too young to watch this, but I did anyway. I still love Tibet to this day. My sister Katie makes us do this with our heads, even though I always get ticklish. It's our thing.
Runner Up: Selena

1998: You've Got Mail

Type of Favorite: World's Best Rom Com
It makes you glad the internet was invented, just so this movie could be made. Timeless. Chances are, if you say thank you to me, I will say, "Thank your, ladies and gentlemen." If the year 1960 comes up, I'll say, "Birdie was in love with Generalissimo Franco? It was probably around 1960!" And, like many women, everything I know about The Godfather is from this movie.
Runners Up: The Parent Trap, Ever After (This choice was excruciatingly difficult.)

1999: October Sky

Type of Favorite: Friday Night in with the Family
There's something so satisfying about watching the sophistication of their rockets progress through the movie. And what do I love more than the space race?
Runner Up: Toy Story 2

2000: Remember the Titans

Type of Favorite: Who Doesn't Like this Movie?
Let's talk about the perfect placement of the James Taylor song just before Gary's accident. Also, baby Ryan Gosling. And how often the phrases "I don't want to get to know him" and "Sheryl! Sheryl! I. Do. Not. Care." are applicable in real life.
Runner Up: Return to Me

2001: The Princess Diaries

Type of Favorite: My Inner 10-Year-Old Will Never Die
The Princess Diaries is a great girl power movie. Yes, a girl who says "Please don't crush my soy nuts" can be a princess just by being herself. Also, realizing that she's still herself even when she changes her hair. Anytime I'm wet, I'm like, "I am invisible, and I am wet." And any time a boy can play the guitar, it's, "He fixes cars, he plays guitar, and he can sing. He is so hot!"
Runner Up: Legally Blonde

2002: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Type of Favorite: Only Action Movie on This List
The first one sets up the story; the third one wraps it up. The second one is the sweet spot. And I love the Anglo-Saxon character of Rohan. And I love Shadowfax.
Runner Up: A La Folie, Pas Du Tout

2003: Holes

Type of Favorite: The Perfect Movie for Any Mood
Just now, I was thinking, "Wait, there's a moral to this story, isn't there? Something about fate or treating people with kindness?" I honestly don't remember. I just love its absurdity. And the nicknames.
Runner Up: School of Rock (Such a hard choice for me.)

2004: A Cinderella Story

Type of Favorite: My Inner 13-Year-Old Will Never Die
In middle school, my best friend Jenn said she'd watch this movie on repeat and never get tired of it. In high school, I realized I felt the same way. My mom sent it to my my first year of college, and when I rewetted it, I was like, "This is the worst! I'm so embarrassed that I loved it." Now, I love it again. The circle of life.
Runner Up: The Village

2005: The New World

Type of Favorite: When You're Feeling Artsy & Mature
The world's slowest, most visually stunning film, which also happens to have the world's best soundtrack. The first shot of Christian Bale's face is halfway through through the movie, and you're like, "Finally, John Rolfe! Is it almost over?"
Runner Up: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

2006: Glory Road

Type of Favorite: My Actual Favorite Inspirational Sports Movie
Maybe it's the setting in El Paso or the fact that black players and the white players don't just become friends, but they also win the championship by playing only the black players, but this one has always edged out Remember the Titans for me.
Runner Up: She's the Man

2007: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Type of Favorite: This Movie Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity!
I've only seen this movie once, but I didn't feel wrong picking it. A beautiful true story based on a beautiful true book. I wrote a blog post about it once. 
Runner Up: Freedom Writers

2008: Doubt

Type of Favorite: An Intellectual Exercise
I've only seen this once as well. It was a hard film to watch, to think through, to deal with afterward. Which is what made it so good.
Runner Up: None. (The other possibilities I had were 27 Dresses, Kung Fu Panda, and Twilight, none of which I can pick with clear conscience.)

2009: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Type of Favorite: Measuring Stick for People's Taste in Movies
I saw this in theaters with my aunts during Thanksgiving break my freshman year of college. I was dazzled by its joyful strangeness and the feeling that there was some great moral under the surface that I couldn't quite grasp. I often say to myself, "Who am I, Kylie? Why a fox? I'm saying this more as, like, existentialism, you know?"
Runner Up: He's Just Not That Into You

2010: The King's Speech

Type of Favorite: So Heartwarming I'm Not Even Mad That All Inspirational Historical Dramas Are the Same
Linguistics, friendship, and facing your fears. This movie combines my three favorite topics.
Runner Up: Megamind

2011: Geek Charming

Type of Favorite: Not-So-Guilty Pleasure
Yes, this is a Disney Channel Original Movie, but I'm not embarrassed. I love this movie in a nonironic way. It's based on the best teenage romance novel I ever read in high school. And Dylan's speech about friendship is legitimately inspiring: "It's not about being popular, or a geek. It's about having real friends who like you for you."
Runner Up: The Conspirator

2012: Lincoln

Type of Favorite: My Second Favorite Movie
My favorite actor playing my favorite man. I almost can't even. Also, Tommy Lee Jones as Thaddeus Stevens is gold.
Runner Up: Pitch Perfect

2013: 42

Type of Favorite: Perfect for 4th of July Afternoon
Makes your heart swell for Jackie Robinson, and baseball, and America, and the goodness of good people, and the ability for bad people to become good people, or at least have good children who have good children. 
Runner Up: Safe Haven (The fact that this is a Nicholas Sparks movie says a lot about the quality of films produced in 2013. What can you expect when the #1 film was Frozen?)

2014: Interstellar

Type of Favorite: I Just Love Space Movies, Really
I waited so long to see this, and then I saw it in the middle of the afternoon in a nearly empty theater, which was perfect. I love dystopian futures and the stark, terrifying awe of space.
Runner Up: None. (Going to the movies is not my thing.)

2015: Love & Mercy

Type of Favorite: This Movie Was Made for Me
It was fate for me to see this. I stumbled across the trailer by accident and saw it in the dollar theater in its very last showing. The 60s, mental illness, love, music, John Cusack. Recipe for an instant classic.
Runner Up: McFarland, USA