Sunday, December 13, 2015

T. T.

This is Tyler.

He has been a dear, dear friend for four years. It's nice to have him nearby, like the way you know your mom will always love you.

Tyler suggests that you get ice cream when you're feeling overwhelmed. He then drives you there, and pays, and listens while you talk. Oh, the listening. He could listen for years.

He suggests you watch one of his favorite movies. He doesn't get mad at you when you don't like it, but he explains to you why he does like it, in such a kind, reasonable way that it makes you rethink everything.

He's a friend you want to have. #blessed

Friday, December 11, 2015

School's Out.

All you do all semester is think about what you would do with all that time if you weren't in school.

For four months I've dreamt of doing extravagant things, like reading books and making dinner and going on runs.

But today, when I emailed in my paper, all I could see in front of me was a terrifying nothingness.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Helplessness Blues.

Living life is kind of uncomfortable.

Just being inside your body, walking around, standing on your feet, sitting. Smelling bad smells that you can't get away from, scrunching up your face when something annoying happens.

Making yourself sit through boring things, having an anxiety attack and holding your breath, reading long paragraphs, talking to people who talk too loud, or stand too close to you, or say things that are a little bit racist without realizing.

Parking far away, stress dreams, pedestrians that walk slow in front of your car.

Most of all, wondering about everything and thinking all the time and asking questions that you don't know the answers to and never will.

Lately, I've had this wish I keep coming back to: I wish I could mash myself into a tiny corner somewhere, so that my body is smashed into some unsightly shape and all my organs and bones feel the pressure. Because that is what living life feels like, and having to walk around and stand on my feet and sit in a chair and stop for pedestrians as if life isn't excruciating is just unfair.