Monday, March 2, 2015

The Presidents of the United States: In Order of (Youthful) Handsomeness

A while ago, Khiah showed me this ranking of the presidents in order of hotness.

Of course it was my favorite thing in the world. But the list compared them in hotness at the time of presidency--not exactly fair, since everyone becomes president at different stages of handsomeness.

So I decided to level the playing field.

The Presidents of the United States:
In Order of (Youthful) Handsomeness

(Of course, there are presidents who got better with age. Franklin Pierce and Zachary Taylor, I'm sorry you weren't higher on the list.)

43. James Buchanan


Coming in last place, the only president who never married. I'm sure it's unrelated.

42. Martin Van Buren


What Martin Van Buren lacked in physical beauty, he made up for in facial hair.

41. Lyndon B. Johnson


Lyndon sent this picture of himself to his future wife. Maybe she loved his big nose as much as I do? Or maybe it was the message that got her: "For Bird -- a lovely girl with ideals, principles, intelligence, and refinement, from her sincere admirer." #swoon

40. John Adams


It's actually impossible to get an idea of what John Adams looked like, because each portrait of him looks like it could be of a different person.

39. Abraham Lincoln


Beauty is only skin deep, obviously.

38. Millard Fillmore


I bet he'd be smiling if he knew that the capital of Utah was one day going to be named after him.

37. George Washington


Did you ever realize they had normal hair under those powdered wigs? I thought they were born old men.

36. James Monroe


You know it's James Monroe by that cleft chin.

35. Richard Nixon


I can verify that this is the only truly handsome picture of Richard Nixon that exists. He's got the smolder down.

34. Zachary Taylor


Zachary Taylor got instantly handsomer whenever he wore his military uniform.

33. William Howard Taft


He be like, "Not only am I gonna get stuck in a bathtub one day, but I'm going to become a Supreme Court justice after I'm president."

32. Grover Cleveland


Look at that casual stance, thumbs resting in the pockets of his classy knee-length overcoat. Grover's got swag.

31. William McKinley


I actually really just wish he had combed the other side of his hair.

30. Bill Clinton


I like this picture because it feels like a picture of your dad on his wedding day. Of course you think he's handsome (even if he's really not).

29. James Madison


My AP US history teacher in high school had a legitimate crush on James Madison. Maybe because of this portrait.

28. Franklin D. Roosevelt


People like to make jokes about Eleanor, but.

27. Chester Arthur


Yes, that is a full head of beautiful curls, a tent-shaped mustache, a unibrow, and frizzy mutton chops that you see. Your eyes don't deceive you.

26. Thomas Jefferson


He's got that James Dean daydream look in his eye.

25. Harry Truman


As a kid, Harry had such bad eyesight that he could never play sports, but I'm not even mad about it.

24. William Henry Harrison


I hear he had a hunting lodge in Pawnee, Indiana, actually.

23. Jimmy Carter


"Carter is widely considered a better man than he was a president." Also, handsomer.

22. Benjamin Harrison


Just two slots away from his grandfather, William Henry Harrison. Handsomeness runs in the family.

21. Andrew Johnson


Actually, the handsomest picture I could find of Andrew Johnson was when he was 52 years old, so. He woulda been higher on the list.

20. Chester Arthur


Pictures of guys in Civil War uniforms. They get you every time.

19. Woodrow Wilson


I could come up with 14 Points about why Woodrow Wilson is the greatest.

18. Herbert Hoover


Do you think they call it a Hoover because he just sucked up my heart?

17. Warren G. Harding


You have to assume he had a way with the ladies.

16. Andrew Jackson


Maybe we could have put this portrait on the $20?

15. Franklin Pierce


They didn't call him "Handsome Frank" for nothing.

14. George W. Bush


I spy another unibrow.

13. Barack Obama


Was this picture taken yesterday? Because he's still just as handsome.

12. Dwight D. Eisenhower


I like Ike.

11. Gerald Ford


Not only was he a football star, but he was also a male model. That's true.

10. Calvin Coolidge


"Keep it Cool with Coolidge."

9. John Quincy Adams


This was really unexpected.

8. James K. Polk


Later in life, he had a mullet, but what we've got here is real good.

7. Theodore Roosevelt


At this age, he was preparing him to fight bears later in life.

6. Ulysses S. Grant


The beard got him to number six. There were pictures of him with no beard, and he wouldn't have been number six.

5. Rutherford B. Hayes


Makes you wish he wasn't such a bad president.

4. John F. Kennedy


Sometimes I forget that JFK really was handsome and think that it's just because he was only in his forties when he was a president. But I'd be wrong on that one.

3. George H. W. Bush


Read my lips: handsome.

2. John Tyler


This guy had 6 children by the time this picture was done. He had 15 in total.

1. Ronald Reagan


It was a close race, but Ronald Reagan won this one for the Gipper. Mostly because it was so difficult to choose between all the handsome young photographs of him.

Honorable Mention:

Joe Biden


Delaware's Finest.

2 comments:

  1. This is fantastic (and subjective, I know), but I really feel like LBJ should've been closer to #1 ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nixon's smolder. There are no words. I think Warren G. Harding should be closer to number 1, but I agree Ronald is the winner. I loved this! Thank you.

    ReplyDelete

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